Hot-Girl Pumpkin Bread: An Alternative Bake
There’s a joke going around that the hotter you are, the more tummy issues you have. I think it’s less a sad commentary on how restrictive eating and diet-culture have ruined many of our bodies’ natural processes (though true); the joke is intended as a way of laughing through the difficulty of chronic digestive problems: “Well, I guess I’m just super hot!”
If digestive angst is the qualifier for attractiveness, I win no beauty pageants; I am not plagued by a dodgy stomach and never have been. My stomach is factory-made and dependable, like a cast iron skillet; it does what it’s meant to do regardless of what I ingest. Belly aches? I don’t know her. Heartburn? A myth. Indigestion? Never. I told Andrew - a dodgy stomach type - that it won’t do to be jealous: my stomach is probably the one non-dramatic zone in my body and I’m glad it doesn’t have to be coddled. (It’s hard to sympathize with a man who grew perfect teeth and makes purely social calls to his dentist.)
Nevertheless, I have a lot of friends and family members whose inner workings are what is best described as “touchy.” These babes typically avoid gluten and dairy and other things in hopes that their bodies will give them a moment’s peace. When they’ve workshopped the perfect combination of foods to avoid, these friends try to stick religiously to the formula: one false step and the careful illusion is crushed; poor, sad, tummies for a week.
Want to learn a secret? If you want to really bless someone, find out what they can’t eat and fix something that fits their dietary restrictions. In my experience, most people with culinary limitations have gotten used to missing out. They don’t make a big deal out of the fact, but they often don’t get to participate in the planned food for an event or hangout. Or, worse, they eat something that makes them feel awful just so that the host does not feel bad. (This needs to stop; no one should ever feel pressured to eat anything, whether because they are allergic or not hungry or simply would rather not.)
I love cooking for my friends with restrictions. I love being able to - literally - cater to the dietary needs of the people visiting my home. Not only does it push my creativity, but it gives me an opportunity to care for the hot-girls with tummy issues in a way that says, “you are not an inconvenience to me.”
So today I bought you a recipe to bake for those friends among us who would prefer an “alternative” bake. This pumpkin bread is soft and tender, warmly spiced with nutmeg, ginger, and clove. It mixes up quickly, bakes for about an hour, and is best when allowed to cool entirely (another 1.5 hours) before removing from the bread pan and slicing. And the greatest bit is that the recipe is free from dairy, gluten, and refined sugars. All the sweetness comes from canned pumpkin puree and coconut sugar, we’re using coconut or avocado oil rather than butter, and full-fat coconut milk cut with lemon juice rather than buttermilk. The final product has a slightly softer crumb than traditional pumpkin bread, and skews far from the dry, crumbling, sandy bakes that so often populate the gluten-free sector.
My hope is that if you follow a gluten- and dairy-free path that you’ll enjoy baking via a recipe that has done all the substitutions for you. And if you are someone who typically enjoys standard bakes, I hope you’ll whip up a loaf of this “hot-girl pumpkin bread” to share with someone else. (Although it’s tasty regardless of where you fall on the hot-girl or tummy-issue spectrum). A note on baking: I slightly under-baked my loaf which caused the famous “soggy bottom” on my loaf. The flavor is still very pleasant and the loaf holds together just fine, but Paul Hollywood would not be pleased. For this reason, please pay careful mind to the baking times suggested in the recipe! It will keep off any claggy places in your own pumpkin bread.
As for me, I’m spending this holiday off in the woods with a friend whose body will appreciate this alternative bake. We scheduled a last-minute “autumn hike near the river” scenario; my thoughts have all been about the proposed snacks we should bring, and what she’s allergic to, and whether we ought to bring a backpack for all these snacks, and whether we non-hikers are good to plan a 5.5 mile in-and-out hike or whether that’s merely the ambition of someone who hasn’t started hiking yet, and what sort of pants I should wear to discourage ticks, and what kind of mushrooms I might find, and being pre-thirsty since my water bottle is “only” 32 ounces, and generally being really excited to spend a day in the forest. There will be fat slices of this pumpkin bread; and the season’s first really good clementine, sharp and bright with golden juice; and meat sticks because is it a hike without meat sticks? (Even though I kind of hate meat sticks because they make me think of mummy-fingers and aren’t even very tasty besides). What a nice day we’re off to have. Happy October, everybody. Pumpkin bread for us all, even the hot-girls.
Hot-Girl Pumpkin Bread
1 3/4 cups “1-for-1” gluten free flour (I used Bob’s Red Mill brand)
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1 cup unsweetened pumpkin puree
1 1/2 tsp. ground ginger
1/4 tsp. nutmeg (better if freshly grated)
1/4 tsp. ground cloves
3/4 tsp. kosher salt
3/4 c. coconut sugar
6 Tbs. coconut oil, melted (could sub avocado or other neutral oil)
2.5 ounces coconut cream (skimmed from the top of an unshaken can of full-fat coconut milk)
1/4 cup coconut milk
2 tsp. fresh lemon juice
2 large eggs
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a glass or ceramic bread pan, and create a parchment paper “sling” to line the bottom and two sides - this will make lifting the finished loaf out of the pan much easier!
In a small mixing bowl, whisk together gluten-free flour, baking powder, and baking soda. Set aside. Take a moment to add lemon juice to coconut milk in a small glass, and also set aside.
In a small saucepan over medium heat, mix pumpkin puree, spices, and salt. Continuously stirring, cook over medium heat for five minutes till pumpkin is darkened and somewhat reduced (this will evaporate some of the moisture and keep the dough from getting claggy).
Transfer the pumpkin mixture to a large mixing bowl, and add coconut sugar, oil, coconut cream, the coconut “buttermilk” from step 1, and both eggs. Mix till emulsified.
Add the dry ingredients to the wet, and fold gently till just incorporated. Don’t overmix. Pour into prepared pan and smooth top. If desired, you can scatter nuts, pumpkin seeds, or even a sprinkle of demerara sugar over top (I like the sparkly top that a few pinches of demerara sugar provides).
Bake for 55-60 minutes at 350 degrees F. or until puffed and golden looking, and a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. If a few moist crumbs stick to the toothpick, the loaf is under-baked and should go for another 5-10 minutes and be poked again.
When finished, remove from oven and allow to cool an hour and a half before removing from the pan. Allow to cool entirely before slicing. Store in an airtight container or a zip-top bag.
For the first time I tried French Macarons. Paid good money for them. Not impressed.