Balance Is An Illusion!

Hello there!

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written. I guess now would be the time to explain I’m working full-time again which has significantly cut into my spare hours. This job is far and away more complex than what I did before, and there is no downtime during my days - the time I used to spend writing. But I like the work and find it surprisingly interesting. I like the way my brain is stretching and heaving to collect and save all the new information sent its way. As someone who is always going out of her way to learn things just for fun, I can see the benefits of those habits now. It is easier to open one’s brain to complicated tasks, new terms and technicalities, to learn new software and systems, and to retain what has been taught when one is used to that type of challenge. I am still very new in this field and have much to learn, but what was overwhelmingly new the first week is old hat now. I hope what I agonized over Friday will look less gharish a week hence too.

That’s the thing about learning: you can become better at a thing you never used to know how to do before. I’m thankful for the adaptability of the brain!

Now I work as a title clerk. I have dreamed about my job every night as my brain desperately tries not to forget what I was taught the day before. In one I was trying to buy a clamshell of strawberries, but each berry had a different parcel number; dream-Rachel panicked in the self-checkout of Walmart trying to figure out how to enact a multiparcel sale correctly but help was nowhere to be found. Needless to say, sleep has not been of the highest quality.

Getting back into the swing of writing also feels creaky, much like my body whose care has been a little set aside as I adjust to the new pace and mental load. Yesterday, clinging placidly to the pervading sense of it being Saturday, we took a long walk on a wooded trail. We were tired to begin with, and completely gassed by the mild hills which never usually challenge us. Naturally the best part of the walk was sitting on bench overlooking the marshland, just allowing the March sun to cup the side of my face and neck like a reassuring hand.

I never want to be one of those people who gets to the weekend gasping, but I will be honest and say that while work is intense (not to mention multiple church commitments per week, and an upcoming family wedding we are both deeply involved in), I get to the weekend gasping. I am having difficulty at this very moment keeping all the things happening. Listen, I’m a responsible oldest daughter with an independent streak but it’s either eating enough protein, consistently working out, getting morning sunlight, remaining accurate and punctual at work, avoiding caffeine, getting enough sleep, being out in nature, remaining available to babysit, fixing homemade meals, keeping a clean house, putting fresh sheets on the bed, staying in touch with long distance friends and family, keeping your gas tank off empty, setting meal plans, having reading time and creative time, sticking to a budget, folding laundry, styling my hair, getting in bible time, staying hydrated, grocery shopping, shaving my legs, attending family dinners, having weekly coffees with my mom, showing up for my community, journaling, scheduling therapy, taking supplements, making a doctor’s appointment, getting my bridesmaid dress altered, remembering SPF, or having sex. I am highly suspicious of anyone who claims they are doing everything (they’re usually trying to sell you a digital download).

Funny enough, when I worked part time I was almost doing all these things, but then we were permanently impecunious and that was its own stressor. Perfect balance is a myth! I am much happier when I realize that we do what we can, when we can, and the other things can bounce till another time. Rest is important, and sometimes you’re quite finished at the end of the day and you require dinner made by someone else, and an ice cream cone. Here are some things that have been bringing me joy as I live at a different pace than I used to, and try to add joyous and restful things into my life so I’m not just panting for a sabbath:

Buying myself flowers and bringing them to work.

For me, carting a vase of flowers into work was a lifechanging decision. You mean, I can spend nine hours a day around this cluster of stunning blossoms that make me happy every time I see them? I am a sucker for a good bouquet (no baby’s breath, no hot-house roses, yes country roses, no to mum-lookin’ things, yes to almost anything else, especially if it’s a delicious texture or color: see this week’s orange double-tulips and blue iris). I will never ever understand people who think flowers are a waste of time and money. I understand they die. That doesn’t mean they aren’t glorious while they do it. But go ahead, keep playing fantasy football, Kevin. I hope someone lies and says your cyber-truck is cool.

Having a fun little fizzy drink around 3 PM

I know Ollipop, Poppi, and all the other pseudo-soda brands are doing a brisk business right now, but whether it’s a plain old can of lemon-lime seltzer, a raspberry-rose Poppi, or a sparkling coconut yuzu water from Trader Joe’s, I can’t help that taking a moment around three to have a fun drink is so nice. I’ve still been opting for a low-caffeine lifestyle, so rather than fixing a nice coffee in the mornings, I’m cracking open a sparkly beverage at the point in the afternoon when my eyes start to disassociate from the combination of computer screens and fluorescent lights. This is not a free habit, but if I’m working more hours so we can have a less stringent budget, I think I deserve this cheap thrill.

Going outside (or home) for lunches

This one is a no-brainer for me. I absolutely refuse to eat my lunch at my desk or even in the group lunch room. Lunch times are for sitting outside in the sunlight and walking after you eat, or for coming all the way home and relishing some privacy and comfort. I don’t go home as often as I could because it really cuts into the whole “hour” and makes it more like forty minutes, but it is undeniably nice to lie on the couch with Flo and kick off my shoes, and not feel observed by anyone. Also, barring an emergency, you should absolutely take your entire lunch break. There is nothing so important that it can’t wait another half-hour.

“Visiting” social media as a treat once a day

A massive perk of being so busy all day is that it has really cut down my phone screen-time. Usually if I’m on my phone at all during the daylight hours, it’s a lunch break Facetime with my sister. Additionally, working on computers all day leaves me wanting to do anything but screen-time when I’m off the clock. We all know my love-hate relationship with social media and how I’m constantly on the verge of opting out forever. However, I do love sitting down once I’m finally home (or in the car before I walk into the house) and enjoying one brain-rot session where I catch up on all the funny videos Andrew and others have sent me, and send a few in return. When I’m not on it multiple times a day, my single, short visit to social media is a fun way to decompress for a couple minutes and I think possibly this is all social media is good for.

Cleaning one thing each day

I am not a great one for rigid systems (hello type B), but since I traded in leisurely housekeeping mornings for a better paycheck, I’ve realized that keeping up throughout the week is really the only way I’m going to not spend my entire weekend cleaning. I’m trying to institute a “pick one task” habit, wherein I’ll choose some housecleaning task to accomplish each day (beyond the usual dishes + litterbox chores) so that, hopefully, there will never be a time where it’s all due. Yesterday was the kitchen, dusting, and floors. Today I’m running laundry, changing our sheets, and putting away laundry. So far, so good? I’m always frustrated by how therapeutic cleaning is (why can’t relaxing feel that nice?) but Spotify has excellent playlists to help set the tone.

Saying yes to *some* social outings

I tend to think I have to go to bed early, because I’m tired and when you’re tired, more sleep is the answer. However, more sleep isn’t always the answer! Here and there I’ve begrudgingly handed over a little of my sleep to say yes to staying out “past bedtime” and I will admit this: a little definition between one day and the next during the middle of the week is something I enjoy. I would hate to be out every night, but our Wednesday night Bible study, or seeing my parents till 8:30 one evening is more restful than a modicum of extra sleep. I’m still an early-to-bed bird, but I think that forfeiting an hour here and there to go out to dinner with a friend, or have someone over, is well worth the trade.

None of this is groundbreaking, I’m sure, but I did feel like I should write something to you, to reassure you I haven’t died or something. I hope to be back in a stronger capacity as things settle down, the family wedding finishes up, and I am more mentally adjusted and comfortable with my new role. For now, I am luxuriating in later sunsets, trying to claw my way back to veggie-heavy dinners (yay Spring!), and waiting for my sourdough focaccia to finish rising on the counter. Our fourth wedding anniversary is this week, which sounds insane to me. Four years! May you eat something nice today, and pat yourself on the back for working so hard. Whatever rest you've had this weekend, I bet you deserved it. What a nice thing it is that we get to turn our hands to useful work, make or do something that lifts another up (ideally), and earn a wage doing it!

Lifting my sparkly 3:00 beverage (an orange & cream Ollipop) in your direction,

Rachel