A Totally Subjective Ranking Of Beach Food

enter: chaos

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Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Although it is not yet May, I have already been to the beach several times. I am currently sunburned. I have my beach chair and a big blanket perpetually in my car for emergency picnics.

Lest you think I’m bragging, this is just how things go in Coastal Virginia. We are not a beach-in-the-summer community as much as we are a beach-in-the-shoulder-season community. Not for any persnickety reason like, I don’t know, a hatred of tourists (although I dare you to catch me on the Boardwalk anytime between early May and September - you won’t); rather, we just know that August on the sand is remarkably akin to camping on the edge of a molten lava field. Dogs are outlawed on the beach in summer. Again, not because we hate dogs, but because the pads of their feet would literally melt off. Poor buddies! And although I love taking kids to the beach at this time of year when the jasmine is just about to unfurl its myriad stars and the water is still cold enough to bring unexpectedly icy waves, I do not have the biceps to lug a beach chair, beach toys, sunscreen, snacks, towels, and a forty pound toddler across a swath of hellishly burning sand in late July without setting her down at least once, which would not end well. (see: hellishly burning sand)

So. We go as much as we can April, May, and June, skitter out like ghost crabs at dusk through July and August, and re-emerge in September for the remaining fun. We have a long warm season here, and it is lovely. As I suntanned near a pier yesterday, I thought about how many, many different types of foods one eats by the sea in a lifetime…some are standby favorites, others are ones I would never repeat…so why don’t we have a totally subjective ranking with minimal context? Therefore, here we are: superlative beach foods.

• BEST BEACH SNACK (REALISTICALLY): sweet cherries

  Easy to share, delicious, zero-mess, cherries are the best. You can bury the pits and stems (unless you swallow them) and nobody is the wiser.

• BEST BEACH FOOD (HYPOTHETICALLY): a lobster roll

  Ice-cold lobster, a buttery potato roll…world peace.

• WORST BEACH SNACK: ice cream

  Probably the only time in my life you will hear me diss ice cream. Even with a million ice packs it will be too soft. Even if you get it from a beach shop it will be melted in three minutes. Rapid loss of ice cream? Ultimate panic.

• MOST ECO-FRIENDLY BEACH SNACK: fresh fruit or veggies

  Hand in hand with cherries, other fresh fruits are epic beach snacks. So portable, minimal messiness, no trash to deal with. Personal favorites are clementines, peaches, sugar snap peas, and cherry tomatoes.

• CLEANEST BEACH SNACK: dill pickles

  You eat them, they vanish. No mess. No trash. No stems or pits or cores. Et voila.

• SURPRISING BUT WONDERFUL BEACH SNACK: cake

  Brought one to my birthday picnic along with plates and forks, a candle, and a knife. Shockingly popular with the assembled glitterati. Literal Jonas Brothers song. 10/10 recommend doing at least once in your life.

• COOL-GIRL BEACH SNACK: tacos

  And not Taco Bell tacos. Taqueria tacos. The kind without cheese, because cheese on tacos is Tex-Mex and ruins your credibility as a beach taco person.

• HIGH-MAINTENANCE GIRL BEACH SNACK: leafy salads

  We get it, you juice. You probably compost. You probably run races on holidays. You probably brought a beach tent and paraben-free sunscreen, which I’ll borrow because I forgot mine.

• LOWEST-MAINTENANCE BEACH SNACK: sub sandwiches you bought

  Just make sure to throw your trash away so you don’t ruin a sea creature’s life.

• SNACK MOST LIKELY TO FEEL ILLICIT: roasted marshmallows

  Hear me out: beach fires are illegal but nobody said anything about a little stone bowl filled with burning alcohol. Just saying.

• MOST FILLING BEACH SNACK: one-bowl dinners

  Anything that can be picnicked can be beached! Good options for this include rice pilafs, potato, egg, or chicken salads, fried rice, pasta salads, and more!

• BEST SPICY BEACH SNACK: Trader Joe’s Crispy Crunchy Spicy Mochi Rice Nuggets

  A Mouthful, both figuratively and literally; helps you breathe fire like a real dragon.

• BEST SWEET BEACH SNACK: Fig Newtons

  No chance I’m bringing chocolate to the beach. Anything sticky (like candy) is going to be coated with sand in the slightest breeze. Granola bars just remind me that I’m thirsty. Fig Newtons (and similar cookies) are the tool for the job.

• BEST SOUR BEACH SNACK: peppermint lemons

  Find a soft peppermint stick (like these), stick it deep into a juicy lemon, suck the lemon juice through the porous peppermint candy. You will be sticky. You will ruin your tooth enamel. You will still think it tastes delightful. Rinse your hands in the ocean and call the dentist for a cleaning.

• BEST SALTY SNACK: a thick pretzel

  I do not love chips on the beach. I don’t want my hands to be greasy. Give me a salty cracker or a pretzel any day of the week. Bonus points if they’re paired with cheese you somehow kept cold.

• MOST UNAPPEALING BEACH SNACK: pizza

  There is nothing that appeals to this pizza-loving girl less than the entire concept of pizza when it’s a million degrees outside. Too much cheese. Not enough refreshing components. Sand that might stick to the pepperoni. Nah.

• BEST BEACH DRINKS: kombucha or seltzer

  Listen, I don’t drink alcohol anyhow but if I did, I would still be worried I’d be thrown off the beach by a teenage lifeguard for filling my Hydroflask with sangria. Plus, nothing smells worse on this planet than warm beer.

I hope that you enjoyed this list which (let’s be real) is entirely a matter of personal opinion and may be the opposite of your own taste. When you go to the beach, what do you bring? If you’re not living in a beach-adjacent place, do you go to “the lake”? Speak to me. I want to hear all the hot goss about your favorite portable foods.

Till next time!

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